Lovers Desk is a weekly Lovelife.ng series that explores the relationship struggles and exploits of young Africans. It showcases the hidden love and hurt stories that are rarely shared or discussed, helping you see through their lens and draw lessons for your own love life.
I wish we had a mirror where we could peer into the future and know the specific relationships that we should avoid.
But we don’t, do we? Life has no shortcuts and we are all meant to learn a lesson or two from it.
Maybe this is why I met Dubem.
I met Dubem on a dating app few years ago. I was working as an intern at a law firm at the time and I had very rigid work hours. This meant I did not have time to bump into guys and pursue relationships. I was 26 and very ripe for marriage as my mother consistently reminded me.
I decided to download tinder to help me meet some new people.
Who knows? I thought to myself, maybe I could meet a potential husband there.
Anyway, When I saw Dubem’s profile photo, I swiped for him immediately. He wasn’t the most handsome guy that I had seen on tinder but there was something calm about his eyes that made me feel safe.
He messaged me soon after and from then our conversations developed further.
Dubem was 12 years older than I was but I didn’t mind because we seemed to share the same values. He was a lover of God, loved to read books and had a deep respect for females. Or at least that was what I initially thought.
Things were good the first two months and then bit by bit i started to see sides to him that scared me.
The first time Dubem called me an “Asahwo” was the day he called me on my cell phone and I didn’t pick because I had slept off at my friend’s house.
I woke up to a barrage of messages from him but one stood out. It clearly read “Ashawo”
I remember the deep anger that I felt. I confronted him the next day and he apologized. He told me he was in his feelings so I forgave him.
But then there was a second time. And a third time. And a fourth time. All of them were baseless accusations.
Each time he would apologize and tell me he was sorry for feeling so insecure.
But he only got worse.
He would nitpick my body. One time he called me fat during a dinner date because my belly had stretched beneath my clothes after eating.
Another time he told me I was the least attractive of my friends. Every single time he would apologize and tell me he didn’t mean it that way. Gaslighting me to believe that my anger towards him were not valid.
All through this I stayed. He made me understand that he loved me so much which was why he did what he did. He told me nobody would love me the way he did.
The day I lost it
We were 2 years in our relationship when I decided to leave him. At that point, I was extremely unhappy and bore deep resentment towards him.
At the same time I couldn’t leave him because I had become addicted to the feeling he created inside me.
The day I decided to leave him we had been arguing about the gown I was putting on. Dubem said it was too short and proceeded to flood me with offensive words yet again. I told him off and made my way towards the door. He grabbed my hand and when he did I pushed him off.
I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t expect it. But I felt a hot hard slap across my face.
I was stunned. We had a lot of arguments and he was emotionally abusive to me but never this. He had never laid his hands on me.
Once I recovered from the shock, I kneed him hard on his groin and took off leaving my bags and little belongings at his place.
That was the last time I visited his house or saw him again. He called and pleaded and even cried but I was done. That was the final deal breaker for me.
How Am I doing Now?
I’ve been single for over a year since the relationship and it has been a rough ride rebuilding my self confidence again.
My advice to anyone in a toxic relationship is to leave right now. Don’t wait till you lose pieces of you before you can leave.
I wish I had left sooner but I’m glad I still had the courage to finally leave him because I am able to share my story with others.