Perhaps you’re stuck in the friend zone right now and you’re wondering how you can move forward from “just friends” to girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, or lover.
This is a common problem and so we’d like to share some tips on how to transition from friend to boyfriend/girlfriend. With a few simple techniques, you’ll learn how to exit the friend zone and go from friend to lover.
The Friend Zone
For those who don’t know the term, “the friend zone” refers to a situation where one individual in a friendship develops more intense feelings and wants to become “more than friends” with the other person. More often than not, the other person is unaware of the friend’s desires and quite happy in the friendship-only arrangement. As a result, the person is “stuck” in the friend zone, unable to transition from just friend to girlfriend or boyfriend.
Being stuck in a friendship and wanting more can be a frustrating position. Sometimes this frustration is sexually motivated, with one friend desiring a physical relationship with the other. On other occasions, the friends are already sexually involved (i.e. friends-with-benefits), but there is a motivation to transition into a “relationship” as a committed girlfriend or boyfriend. In other instances, both motivations play a role. Nevertheless, in any case, wanting more than you are currently getting is a heart-wrenching situation. The friend zone is not an easy place to live!
What Causes Friend Zone?
Before I tell you how you can get out of the friend zone, we first need to discuss why people get stuck there in the first place. This will help prevent this happening again in the future.
Essentially, all relationships are social exchanges. This means that people set up give-and-take agreements, usually without discussion, to get what they want from the other person and give what they are willing to give.
When someone gets stuck in the friend zone, they have entered into an exchange friendship that isn’t even. The other person is getting everything he/she wants…but the person stuck in the friend zone isn’t. In a nutshell, the friend zone person sold himself or herself short. They gave their “friend” everything, without making sure they got everything they wanted in return.
Escaping the Friend Zone
To escape the friend zone, you must first realize that all relationships involve negotiation—and you are attempting to “re-negotiate” the current exchange. Essentially, you want “more” from the other person. Most likely, you are already giving too much and what you really want is for them to balance the scales.
Fortunately, there are a few principles that do indeed balance the scales. Using those principles, we can devise a few steps to get you out of the friend zone:
1) Be Less Interested – The relationship is already imbalanced because you value it more than the other person. Take a step back. Being “needy” is no way to negotiate. Desperate people end up with what others give them, not what they want. So, be less interested and ready to walk away if you don’t get the relationship you want. Those who are more willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship.
2) Make Yourself Scarce – Spend some time away from your “friend” and do less for them. If they truly appreciate you, then your absence will make them miss you and want you more. This is the principle of scarcity—where people value something more when it is rare or taken away from them. When you are no longer around as much or tending to their needs, they will most likely feel the loss. This may increase their desire for you and their willingness to meet your needs back. If it doesn’t, then they are just “not that into you.” In that case, find another “friend.”
3) Create Some Competition: Go out and make some other “friends” of the opposite sex. Broaden your social circle. Then, talk about these new friends with the friend you desire. Competition and a little jealousy are another great way to develop scarcity. People value more what they think they might lose. If you are busy with other people, you might just find your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention. If you don’t see any jealousy though, then they might not want to be “more than friends.” In that case, set your sights on someone new!
4) Get Them to Invest – Ask your friend to do things for you. Contrary to popular belief, people like you more when they do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them. This is called the Ben Franklin Effect . The more they invest in the relationship, the more you will mean to them. So, stop doing favors … and start asking for them. Get them to give you a ride, study with you, fix something, etc.
5) Be Rewarding – Don’t forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Always remember to keep an environment of mutual gratitude flowing.
Moving on
After taking these steps, all that’s left is for you to ask for the actual relationship you want after you have motivated the other person to renegotiate the terms of your relationship.
You can either ask the question directly or indirectly. Perhaps you’d like to indirectly ask them out on a real date. Maybe you’d prefer the direct approach or a conversation is more your way. In any case, find a way to either directly or indirectly ask for what you want.
Conclusion
Escaping the friend zone isn’t impossible. You just need a little bit of persuasion and influence. Remember your worth, don’t get needy and give them some space. If they value you, they’ll be willing to take your relationship to the next level. Understand also that some friends just don’t want to spoil a good thing but that doesn’t mean you have to settle. Good luck, love and light, Wonder.
