Everyone is not the same. While there are those who want to take things slow, others want to get married early. The understanding that we can’t all be the same will help in your relationships.
If you are the type that’s looking to get married soon, then your partner needs to know where you stand. If you are doubting their intentions to get married or they refuse plainly, you should discuss this calmly.
It’s natural to feel an intense desire for comfort in your relationship, especially if it involves starting a family together. However, before deciding to get married, take some time to reflect upon what both of you expect out of your partnership.
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What Are You Looking For?
Although it might feel like you inherently know that you want to be married, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself what exactly you are looking for in the union. Are you hoping for more security, recognition, acknowledgment of your relationship’s importance, or simply want to call your partner “my husband” or “my wife”?
If you’re already in a committed relationship and marriage is simply a formality, then your answer could be that you want more security or the traditions that marriage brings (like a wedding, anniversaries, etc.).
However, it’s also important to ask yourself what you are looking for if you are in a less stable relationship. Are you trying to fix the relationship through marriage? Are you trying to please someone else? Do you want to have children and believe you have to be married to do so?
If you aren’t sure exactly what you want, pull out a journal and start writing down your feelings. You might be surprised to learn more about what it is that you want out of marriage. At the very least, this exercise will allow you to communicate your wants more clearly when it comes time to talk to your spouse.
Balance Your Needs
Neither partner should feel obligated to give up their needs to be in the relationship. Figure out what compromises you’re willing to make on certain issues.
For example, if marriage isn’t something that’s a high priority for your partner, but they are still committed to you, they might be willing to compromise and move forward with the marriage. On the other hand, if they are steadfastly opposed to marriage, you need to consider that the relationship might not work out.
The best part about balancing your needs is the chance to have real conversations about what you each want out of the relationship. Whether or not you resolve the issue of marriage, it should become clear how well suited you are to one another and whether your values and goals align.
If you see yourself heading in different directions at this step, that could be a sign that marriage is not in your future regardless of whether you can agree on what to do.
Process Your Feelings
Use this time to process your feelings rather than try to change or influence your partner. Reflect on what you want in a partner and whether your current partner is the right person for you. Your relationship may not be as strong as it seemed when it began simply because you want different things out of life.
While love and attraction are key ingredients for a good relationship, compatibility in long-term goals is what makes for a long-term relationship that works.
Hear Their Perspective
A marriage is made up of two individuals with different perspectives. If you don’t have a conversation about those unique views, they could get in the way when it’s time to decide about the big stuff in life.
It may seem like trying to get an answer from someone who isn’t ready will only frustrate you both. However, patience could help improve communication to understand your partner.
If you can, set your defensiveness aside and listen with an open mind, then your partner will feel like they have space to explore their deepest thoughts safely with you.
Have respect for your partner’s freedom of choice and individualism. You may disagree or wish your partner felt differently, but trust that they know what’s best for them. If you know that your partner isn’t interested in saying, “I do,” the last thing you want to do is make them feel like they have to come along for the ride.
Understand Their Fear
Fear is often underlying these types of disagreements. She argues that understanding where your partner is coming from is key.
If you decide to commit yourself to one person for life, then that means taking on all risks, including not getting what you want or need at any given time. Commitment helps bridge gaps between differences; it provides safety nets against loneliness and can help grow connections as partners work together towards common goals.
Some people are so afraid of getting hurt again that they put up a barrier to commitment in their lives. They’re terrified and reject the idea because it’s too hard for them right now, or perhaps ever. Meanwhile, others may find themselves tempted but also fearful about committing. This might be due to past experiences that made them wary of trusting other people with all aspects of who they are.
Consider Couples Counseling
If your partner is not interested in marrying, you don’t have to break up right away. There are some things you can both do to work towards a more harmonious relationship. Waiting around forever isn’t advisable; rather, talking with someone who has experience on the topic may help bridge the gap.
Attending couples counseling could be an option in this situation to help get you both on a better path, either toward a breakup or toward a marriage.
Know When to Leave
At some point, you may need to decide on leaving the relationship if you can’t reach a compromise on marriage. You will probably experience a range of emotions, from sadness at the loss to anger at the time wasted.
It may not be easy for your partner to be open and honest about the reasons behind their hesitation, but if you can’t learn more, then there is likely no chance of moving forward. Try asking them what they are feeling or talk out different scenarios together to have a better understanding.
However, it’s important not to dwell on the possibilities. The best time to leave is when you’ve tried all options at making things work. At that point, you can feel confident that you’ve tried everything. When you’ve done your very best, there is no longer any reason to feel sad about the situation. If you can, try to focus on the better future that is waiting for you.
LAST LOVE TIP
It’s always possible to reach a compromise with your partner. However, if there’s a huge gap between your needs and wants, you may have to move on. Compromising in this situation could lead to conflict in future.
