Money issues; the big, controversial topic in human relationships. Whether romantic or not, when the money discussions begin, mental guards tend to be raised, and tension increased. Among the causes of breakups in relationships, money is the second largest cause, second only to infidelity.
No matter how much we say, we love our partners, trying to merge lives and money can be a bumpy, however beautiful ride. Since you both have different life experiences and the way you reacted to these experiences was probably different; this is why you sometimes have two very different views on money.
These steps should be used to help each other deal with money issues and not discourage unity.
- Have a joint bank account
For some couples, they believe the best way to avoid arguments when it comes to money issues is to keep separate accounts, and they each pay bills separately. This is a very wrong plan and lays the groundwork for major problems with your money and marriage.
People in relations need to understand that they are in a partnership; “Two have become one”. Separating money and splitting bills is not a good idea and will only lead to more money issues and relationship problems down the road. Don’t keep separate accounts. Please put all of your money together and begin to look at it as a whole.
- Discuss your lifestyle choices together
Let’s say that you need to refresh your wardrobe, you’re completely content with thrifting, but your spouse likes to shop name-brand pieces at full price. That’s going to be a concern if you have an income that doesn’t help extravagant tastes.
Marriage has much to do with compromise. If one of you has a more pricey palate, consider shopping at an outlet mall at reasonable prices to snag certain brand names.
The bottom line is: your lifestyle needs to reflect your real income; it’s not what you want it to be. You may want to live like royalty, but learn to live within your means, especially when your bank account doesn’t have enough zeros.
- Recognize where you’re different
The money mentality of all is distinct, and opposites seem to attract. Chances are one of you likes to deal with numbers (the nerd), and the other is not constrained by what the numbers show (the free spirit). The saver may be one of you, and the other is more likely to spend.
While personality differences cause some marital issues, it’s not the real source of your money and marriage problems. The root of the issue is if one of you neglects to hear the feedback of the other, or when one of you bows out entirely from managing the finances.
Listen up, nerds, do not keep the specifics of the money all to yourself. And avoid bossing around your free-spirit spouse using your “knowledge.”
If you’re the more carefree partner, don’t just nod your head and say, “That looks good, babe.” In the budget meetings, you have a voice! Offer input, critique and motivation.
Note: Here, you are both on the same side, so work together on the budget! To become a stronger, more united team, leverage the personality differences.
- Don’t let who earns more be an issue.
One of them actually makes more money for the majority of couples than the other. Rarely would any of you earn precisely the same pay? But even when it comes to $50 or $50,000 more a year, there could be the same problem.
“You might think you have leverage over your spouse because of a few extra digits on your paycheck, instead of seeing the full pot as “our money. The partner bringing in the most cash, may often feel entitled to tell the most. Don’t go there either. That’s only looking for more money issues and conflict.
It isn’t mine or yours; it’s ours. There is no justification to take the other’s head over a higher salary. You belong to the same team. Start to behave like that.
The one who makes less or stays at home with the kids on the other end of the table may feel like they shouldn’t have as much to say. I’ve heard a lot of stay-at-home moms tell me that they feel bad about complaining about the budget or even spending money on more than just the bare necessities. But keep in mind, you’re on the same team. In your money and your marriage, you have a fair say. And don’t even get my start on the value stay-at-home parents to provide; in so many ways, you are already saving your family cash!
- Don’t hide purchases.
An affair is not the only way of being unfaithful to your partner. Often it’s when by opening a side bank account or stashing away cash, you are unfaithful to a mutual financial purpose. That’s deceptive. If you have a credit card that your partner knows nothing about; the same applies.
Being transparent and truthful with any side checks or savings accounts or hidden credit cards you have is important. The time has come to own up to the facts and clear the air. Then, work again to build financial trust. Recommit to the financial goals you share and consider why you do it. Together you are in this!
- Create expectations together
Unmet expectations can cause a great deal of friction when it comes to money and relationships. When you expect things to go a certain way, the quickest way to feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied with your partner is to find out that reality is a little different.
If you’ve always assumed that after getting married you have to buy a house immediately, you might feel let down when you celebrate your first anniversary in the apartment you rent. Don’t allow your unreasonable expectations to pave the way for problems with money and marriage.
There is no law specifying that during their first year of marriage, married couples must buy a home, start a family, or go on a trip to Paris. Right now, if those things are not feasible for you, stop worrying. Get your finances in order now, so you can make your dreams come true later.
- Don’t let your children decide how to spend the money.
Your children are asking you for the newest video game. You’re thinking about how well they’ve been behaving recently, and figure, why not? Your partner, though is mad because it’s not on the budget.
If it’s buying toys for them, giving them an allowance, or simply paying for their sports equipment, children have a way to illustrate how couples see cash differently.
You need to get together, talk about it and come up with a plan. Together, discuss how to pay for the items your kids need. But what about all their annoying wants? Discuss the ability to set up projects and a commission (or allowance) for the work they do. This will help them build a great work ethic, all while showing them how important it is to wait for the things in life that you want.
And that’s the end of that, love and light, Wonder.
