Relationship conflicts are not easy to deal with. While you’re hurt and being misunderstood, there are parts of you that are still looking for validation and understanding.
The cause of many relationship conflicts as is the cause of most relationship problems is communication; not the lack of it this time but the style of communication. A lot of us communicate in ways that push our partners away from understanding us.
Imagine your partner leaves the room while you’re arguing. Your instinct may be to blame and yell, “You’re a coward!”
But taking the courageous yet vulnerable route will lead you to say, “I feel scared when you leave the room during our fight. My fear is that I’m not good enough for you to fight for. Is there a way you and I can work through it together?”
It is very easy to hide and blame than it is to be be courageous and show vulnerability.
Understand that it’s okay to take a step away from relationship conflicts to calm down and regroup. However, this is something that needs to be discussed with your partner beforehand.
Understanding Attunement
There is a way you can speak in a soft and gentle way that allows your partner to be drawn to you and you help them to understand why you’re feeling the way you do.
As a result of this, you feel more emotionally in sync, which builds trust and increases intimacy.
When your partner can understand why you feel the way you do, they are more understanding and open to meet your needs as well as theirs.
I’m sure you’re wondering ‘Wonder, why all these long introduction? Tell us how!!!!!’ Let’s get straight to it then.
The speaker has to make use of the first skill of attunement which is represented by the letter A in ATTUNE that stands for Awareness.
Speak with awareness to reduce relationship conflicts
When we say speak with awareness, it means that the speaker chooses their words considering the feelings of the listening partner so as not to use words that will make them defensive. This relaxes the listener and opens them up to understanding because they don’t feel attacked.
Here are three ways you can speak with more awareness during relationship conflicts.
1) Use “I” statements.
An “I” statement reflects your feelings, perceptions, and experiences. Using the word “you” during conflict has the opposite effect: it points fingers at your partner’s feelings, behavior, or personality.
Where the “I” statement sends your feelings out to them to understand you. The “you” statement is just attacking and telling them what they did and as they’re already aware of this, they have a defense. Relationship conflicts are not about attack and defense like a football match, it’s about understanding how each of you feels.
2) Focus on one issue.
When couples are sorting out relationship conflicts, it can be very tempting to bring up all of your relationship problems at once. But the more problems you try to lay out, the less likely solving them becomes.
Instead, focus on one event and describe it like a reporter (only the facts):
• “I feel frustrated when you break your promises and don’t explain. I feel unimportant to you”
3) Protect your partner’s triggers.
Like it or not, the raw spots in our partner’s past affect us and ours affect them too. These can make relationship
conflicts even more heated if they are not cared for or handled maturely.
You can prevent conflict from escalating by working around their emotional triggers with compassion.
When you know your partner intimately, the information you have access to gives you the power to either love them despite their issues or strongly hurt them using that information. One of these causes relationship conflicts while other other builds them. I don’t need to tell you which does what.
Everything still brings us back to the style of communication you adopt when sorting out a relationship conflict. If you want your partner’s behavior towards you to change, you have to make the first move by changing your behavior towards them.
I hope this article is a help to you. Love and light from Wonder.
You can also read FOR STRUGGLING RELATIONSHIPS
