Men Paying For Dates; Chivalry Or Patriarchy?

It’s a beautiful day. You have your perfect dress on for the perfect date. You get to the venue of the date, you see your date stride towards you, he gives you a slight peck on the cheek with a wide smile on his face.

You feel the little flutters dance in your heart. When the menu comes, you are generous with your order. The food tastes even better than the restaurant looks. You dive Into the food bit by bit while making small conversations with your good looking date.

In all, it is the perfect date. You are so thrilled that everything is going so smoothly.

And then suddenly everything changes. What changes?

The waiter walks in with the bills for the food and stares at you both. She is of course staring more pointedly at the man (as is customary). He starts to fidget, looking at your purse.

And then he says to you, slowly

“You brought your money right?”

Suddenly your perfect date doesn’t seem so perfect anymore.

You pay for your meal reluctantly but you feel a slow withdrawal happening inside of you.

You leave the restaurant seething inside and when you get home, you delete his number.

Now this is a fictional narrative of what most females feel when they go on dates that they have to pay for themselves.

So, the question is, are you right to feel the way you feel?

A very simple and straightforward answer to the question is “It depends”.

It is going to depend on a lot of factors.

First of all, Men do not owe women anything. Women do not owe men anything. Any transaction done is solely based on free will not a constitutional law.

A man who decides to pay on dates and every other thing in between is simply being chivalrous. And chivalry is a beautiful thing.

However, Chivalry shares some borders with patriarchy; which begs the question when should you “Expect” a man to pay for a date?

Their is an inherent trait in men to be the sole providers and protectors. They want to be the ones to help and provide for their women, or any female in general.

This inherent trait is rooted strongly in patriarchy; this belief that women are weak and need to be protected.

The fact that it is patriarchal however does not make it less chivalrous.

As a female you should ask yourself what your beliefs are. If you believe in the patriarchal system then expecting a man to pay on a date as long as he knows what you ideals are is not a wrong move. It is a free world after all.

However, if you do not agree nor support the patriarchal system, then expecting a man to pay on dates is a contradiction of your beliefs.

These 4 reasons are  the only reasons you should expect a man to pay on a date;

1. He instigated the idea of a meet up.

If he is the one who reaches out to you first and wants to take you out on a date, then it is only right he is also paying for it. If you made the first move and asked him out on date then you should not expect him to pay.

2. You believe in the patriarchal system and have communicated your beliefs clearly.

If you are a believer that women are fragile and should always be taken care of and provided for at all times and not vice versa, then you should make sure you communicate this with your date.

He should know how you feel about men/women paying on dates. Make sure you ideas aligns perfectly with each other so that there are no weird or tense moments during the date.

3. You do not have the funds to pay and you informed him before the date.

Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. There are restaurants so pricey that you know it will impact your bank account. The best thing to do is communicate that to your date. This way,  they know before hand that the responsibility for footing the bill would be on them.

If they still agree to continue on the date, then it is right that you expect them to pay for the date.

4. He offers to pay for the date before meeting up

If he is offering to pay for the date and communicated that clearly to you, then you have every right to go into the date expecting him to pay.

Since he offered to, then, he should take care of every aspect of the date.

If  his mind changes before the meet up day,   then, he has to make sure he informs you on time prior to the date.

If you are on the fence about men paying for dates then consider going dutch. This means that each person has an agreement that they would pay for their individual foods.

Personally, I believe that a person should pay for a date if they’re the ones who instigated the date in the first place. It’s only fair that you take care of the bills.

Paying on dates shouldn’t be a linear or one sided thing. It should be interchanged.

A study reveals that most men don’t mind paying for dates and actually think it’s the right thing to do.

In this case, you can offer to pay for the date, so that even if he rejects your offer, you are comfortable with it.

The perfect balance for most females would be to draw a line between chivalry and patriarchy.

As much as you should love a man who wants to take care of bills, you should never view it as your “right”.

Always understand that it is an expression of their appreciation for you.

Finally, the best way to deal with decisions concerning paying for dates is to have a conversation with your date about it. There should be a strong resolution before the date.

This way, you avoid incoveniences that might sprout up.