Letting Go Of Lanre – Lovers Desk

         Lovers Desk

Lovers Desk is a weekly Lovelife.ng series that explores the relationship struggles and exploits of young Africans. It showcases the hidden love and hurt stories that are rarely shared or discussed, helping you see through their lens and draw lessons for your own love life.

My Story

“I don’t think this marriage is working Lanre”

This was the first time I dared to voice my opinions about my stance on getting a divorce out loud to my ex-husband.

He looked at me slowly, emotions filling his eyes and to my absolute surprise, he slowly nodded his head.

I met Lanre during poetry night when I was 24, he was just a year older than I was.

He was the first guy that caught my attention.

He was not the most good looking person there, neither was he the tallest but there was  something alluring about his personality and presence. When he spoke during the poetry sessions, everyone listened and his emotive poems mirrored mine.

I loved that he was a man in touch with his emotions, not afraid to be vulnerable and who knew exactly what he wanted. Many guys who are in their 20s want to play the field a bit, have fun, and indulge in other pleasurable bachelorhood experiences, However at his age he was already talking about settling down.

We started off as friends, and we were friends for a whole year. We built a genuine friendship and connection with each other until we finally progressed to something more.

Thinking back at it now, I wasn’t I love with him when we got married. I loved him, I adored him, I cared for him…deeply but I wasn’t in love with him. He made me feel safe and warm and he was offering what so many other men were not offering me; security and stability so of course I gravitated towards him.

Our first year marriage was tough. It was tougher than I expected. We didn’t engage in any sexual activities prior to getting married, because I was on a celibacy mission and he was willing to wait till we were married.

The first night we had sex was nothing like I envisioned. It was like sleeping with a close friend. There was no sparks or sexual chemistry. I held my breath for the whole ordeal to be over. I remember thinking they were wedding blues and that I would start feeling the attraction for him eventually but i never did.

Having sex with him started to feel like an obligation, it was a duty I had to perform. I was so removed from the whole process.

I did not get the butterflies or racing hearts that people associatewith being in love.

However, i decided to toughen it up and continue to stay in the marriage. I told myself there was more to marriage than passion and being in love, besides he was a great guy.

He was super understanding, funny and just perfect to be around with. He was a great friend to me and made for a really great husband but without the chemistry attached.

4 years into our marriage, our sex life started to dwindle even further. I was thankful for it since I did not even enjoy it.

I was also very reluctant to bring kids into a marriage I did not know if I still wanted to be in. After 4 years of being married we were only relying on our friendship to keep the marriage going. I had waited around for the feelings to come but it was beginning to become clear to me that they were not forthcoming.

We both started becoming antsy and irritable around each other. One evening I decided to have a conversation with him

“I don’t think this is working between us Lanre”

I held my breath for his reply but to my absolute surprise he agreed with me. For the first time, I was able to understand how much our marriage situation had been affecting him.

He confessed to me that he had been obsessed with the idea of marriage because he grew up in a family filled with love and so he wanted that terribly for himself. He told me that had been more In love with the idea of getting married  and having a perfect life than he was with me as a partner.

Imagine the relief I felt. All these while I thought I was alone with my feelings, turns out I wasn’t.

We both agreed that while we both deeply cared for each other, we were not in love and would be terribly unhappy if we kept up with the pretense of being in a happy marriage. We amicably parted ways and both got divorced few months later.

It’s been 4 years since I and Lanre divorced form each other and  are still very good friends. We are also able to talk about our relationships with other people with each other.

Sometimes people are more in love with the concept and idea of marriage than they are with the person they actually want to settle down with. I am lucky that I was able to walk away from an unhappy marriage and still keep my friendship with my ex husband. So many people do not get that opportunity.

Communication no matter how uncomfortable it might be is a very important aspect of any  relationship.