Many couples fail at compromise. The problem is often that their approach to compromise encourages opposition and conflict.
Their thought process is something like this “If I give in to your needs, I’m losing out while resenting your selfishness. If I stand firm to get my way, I’m selfish and nervous that you might build up resentment against me”.
Often, attempts at compromise easily bring up the question of unfairness. That is because they believe that either I lose or you lose or we both lose. Today, I’ll teach you a compromise technique that helps both of you win.
FROM WIN-LOSE, LOSE-WIN AND LOSE-LOSE TO WIN-WIN
This change in perspective makes all the difference in the world. If I am “against” you, my focus is on protecting myself. I want what I want. But when I notice that one of the things I want is to make my sweetheart happy, then it’s no longer me against you. It’s me having two “competing” but equally important desires.
Being aware of what’s actually going on helps you to not be resentful and to see that compromising is a necessary struggle between any couple that results in either stalemate or growth. It’s not your partner putting you in a difficult position by wanting something you don’t want (whether it’s about socializing, or how to handle chores, or how to have sex).
It’s your love for your partner that’s pushing you to think beyond yourself. A situation where the two of you have to seek compromise then becomes an invitation to grow and an invitation to be non-defensive and to listen and speak well. You are standing up for yourself and your partner.
Two ovals exercise
Consider the Two Ovals exercise, a Gottman approach on how to compromise. Here, you each identify an inner circle (the first oval) of what you must have to be true to yourself. If the issue is about finances, for example, perhaps what you must have is money budgeted for travel and adventure. The outer circle (the second oval) is for what you are flexible about (say, how many vacations a year).
HOW TO PERFORM
Now imagine that one thing you write down for your central needs is “my honey’s happiness.” How differently would this feel as you talk about that risky issue of finances? Instead of each of you defending your position (against the “enemy”), you are as curious about exploring your own position as you are curious about exploring what’s important to your partner. And that is a way to stay connected within the struggle of having different needs.
IN CONCLUSION
When you both recognize each other’s needs, you’ll be able to better compromise and help the both of you win in every circumstance. I’m rooting for you. Love and light, Wonder.
