Breakups: How To Deal With Them

Breakups are a very crazy experience, most people even start calling themselves ‘crazy’ whenever they’re going through breakups. Lovelife.ng does not in any way believe that breakups are inevitable but on the off chance that you’re going through one, we’re posting this to help you handle them.

You logically might know the relationship is over after a breakup, however, your body and brain is still not able to handle it and is in shock. The supply of dopamine and other feel good chemicals like oxytocin that you’ve been getting from the relationship is suddenly cut off.

That shock felt at the beginning of breakups is very normal and you’re not supposed to rush and speed out the process of the emotions. You need to take your time with the feelings, be with it and move on. It’s not permanent.

However, there are strategies to cope with this pain you’re going through after breakups. There are adaptive ways and maladaptive coping strategies.

Coping mechanisms are conscious decisions and are intentionally used to manage the situation. They should not be mistaken for defense mechanisms.

Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms

This form of coping mechanisms are things we do that make us feel better in the short term after we experience a breakup, however, they can cause negative and harmful effects in the long-term.

They are just a short term distraction that prevent us from feeling uncomfortable about the breakup but it doesn’t heal us, we only procrastinate handling the emotions but they can always return stronger. Some of these mechanisms are alcohol abuse, eating uncontrollably and sexual escapades. Some subtle mechanisms are avoidance, people pleasing, self blame and emotional shut down.

These maladaptive coping mechanisms are often learned from our primary caregivers and were a way of self-preservation. With consistent practice, they become habits and become the instinctual reaction when dealing with stressful events. It can be said that this mechanism only postpone the pain and don’t heal them.

Adaptive Coping Mechanisms

Adaptive coping strategies are actions we take to self-soothe, reduce stress, and generate feelings of safety. They involve addressing the problem or issue at hand directly while being grounded in reality and in the present moment. They are healthy ways of dealing with the emotions and stress of the situation. Here are some ways that you can use adaptive coping to deal with the breakup or divorce.

5 ADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS TO HELP YOU HEAL FROM BREAKUPS

• 1. Talk it out. In the shock and denial stage of a breakup, talking about how you’re feeling helps you process what just happened. Talking it out with people you trust and feel safe around will help you gradually accept the new reality of life without your partner. Seeking external support from friends, family or mental health professionals instead of isolating can help reduce stress and minimize anxiety and depression.

• 2. Start a self-compassion ritual. In the words of compassion expert, Kristen Neff – self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. It’s a way of relating to yourself with kindness and care, and accepting that the present moment may be painful, but you can still hold yourself with love and connection.Self-compassion is a muscle you build. When you first start, you might feel an acceleration of pain, or have thoughts that the exercise is stupid or contrived, but that’s not a sign for you to stop – it’s a sign that you’re hitting an edge and to continue with the practice. It’s okay to pause if you feel overwhelmed, but don’t abort the effort. Practicing compassion helps relieve feelings of stress and anxiety. This is not woo-woo, it’s backed by scientific research.

If you histortically view yourself with shame and self-judgement, know that scrutinizing your inadequacies and seeing yourself as defected triggers an adverse biological response. You release stress hormones such as cortisol and norepinephrine which only minimizes your cognitive flexibility and capacity to learn.

You can start a ritual aimed at practicing self-compassion each day.

3. Interrupt the rumination cycle. You might not be able to control the thought that pops into your mind after a breakup, but you can choose to feed that thought or redirect it into something more positive. Observe when you’re caught in a thinking trap (cognitive distortion). Next, close your eyes and visualize a big red stop sign. Then say the word STOP! out loud.

Finally, it’s time to redirect the negative talk to positive affirmations. Create a set of coping statements that you can repeat to yourself when your mind is off to the races.

• I’m going to face this challenge and do my best.

• I’ve been in this situation before and survived.

• I’m strong enough to handle this.

• This feeling will pass. The situation is temporary.

4. State change. When you’re feeling anxiety, you might experience a sense of panic. What’s happening is your body is producing cortisol and adrenaline to prepare you for action – fight/flight. That’s why you might feel compelled to send that angry text, or call your ex and berate them, your body is energized and prepared for action. But this knee-jerk reaction is often something you’ll regret when you’re back to a calm, logical state.

To let your body and mind recalibrate, do a state change. Exercise, go for a jog or set your timer for 2 minutes and shake your body from head to toe. This will allow the stress hormones to move through your body and metabolize them. After, calm your nervous system down by doing deep breaths, make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale.

Im conclusion, whether you developed maladaptive coping strategies in childhood or later on in life, the great news is that they are not permanent. Our brain can always be updated with more practice, the more new action becomes natural, until eventually, you automatically respond to stress with the adaptive coping mechanisms.