You may be trying to change your partner even though you claim you love them? Perhaps, you believe that they could be better and because of this hope, you ignore those flaws that seem minor.
Many people start dating because they believe that they can change their partners. They believe they can fix the flaws and bad habits or hope they’ll disappear with time. However, this rarely happens.
You shouldn’t assume your partner will change in order for the relationship to work out. Accepting them and loving who they are is important because their behavior will likely not change anytime soon. As you likely know from your own experience, change can be very difficult.
Things That Will Likely Not Change
There are certain things your partner does that may not be worth the effort in trying to change. If you’re facing a conflict related to one of these problems, you may want to reconsider how much effort you put into sustaining the relationship.
Not Making You a Priority
A partner who doesn’t make you a priority in the beginning, isn’t likely to change later on. If you come in second to your partner’s work, friendships, family, or hobbies, it’s important to recognize that this is not likely going to change.
For most people, this will be a deal-breaker. If you can’t rely on your partner to put you first in the same way that you put them first, this will have consequences when it comes to negotiating time together and managing priorities as your lives evolve.
Abusive Behavior
If your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, it is critical that you recognize the problem and realize that it’s not your fault, nor is it within your ability to fix the situation. Regardless of the cause of your partner’s behavior, your safety is the most important consideration. Talk to someone you trust about the situation and what you can do to protect yourself.
Personality Differences
While it’s true that opposites attract, it’s also a lot easier to get along with someone who enjoys doing the same things as you. If you are too different, such as one of you enjoying entertaining guests every weekend while the other prefers quiet time alone, this could spell trouble in the long term. Personality traits such as introversion and extroversion are inborn and aren’t likely to change.
If you can find things you love to do together and find joy in each other’s idiosyncracies, then personality differences are less likely to be a problem.
Coping Strategies
Happy relationships rely heavily on personality compatibility. Irritating habits, interests, and behaviors of your partner can ultimately cause friction. If ignored for too long, resentment will build up and one day, there’ll be a reaction.
The good news is that with open and honest communication, there’s hope for your situation. Remember, nobody’s perfect, and you also probably have things that your partner would like to change about you.
Pick Your Battles Wisely
Your relationship is a package deal. Regardless of how perfect they may have seemed initially, your spouse will always have some habits that bother you. Learn to pick your battles and keep your arguments for the more significant issues. No relationship is entirely free of conflict. It’s the way you handle the disagreements that makes all the difference.
Being overly critical or blaming your partner for the small stuff can lead to more significant issues and even divorce.
On the other hand, it shouldn’t be a big deal for you to ask your partner to, for example, stop leaving the cabinets open every time they get something. Habits such as these are understandable as to why they’re bothersome, and it doesn’t take much effort to make small adjustments.
Additionally, it’s essential to know the difference between healthy and harmful behavior. If your partner’s behavior becomes abusive in any way, firmly let them know that certain behaviors are unacceptable.
Check-in With Yourself
Get to know yourself and take a look into your attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, expectations, concerns, triggers, and fears. Can you stay with this person if things don’t improve? If you’re feeling somewhat helpless about the situation, consider going to individual counselling. A counsellor or a therapist can help you understand better what role you play in the situation.
Consider Your Values
If you and your spouse have entirely different values, the relationship might be in trouble. If you agree on the most important things, you can always help someone understand different perspectives. There’s nothing wrong with negotiation. The important thing to remember is to have these conversations respectfully and assume that both parties have good intentions.
How to Talk About Your Values in a Relationship
Be Patient and Understanding
If your partner has been unwilling to make changes in the past, it may be time for a different approach. It’s not easy trying to forced someone into changed behavior.
The key is patience and understanding that this isn’t about being right or wrong but making sure everyone feels loved, respected, heard, cared for.
Ask yourself if there are any behaviors that they have continued simply because you’re putting up with it? If so, talk with them before assuming change will happen without you asking for it. Remember, your partner can’t read your mind. They may not realize that something is bothering you unless you speak up.
Try Counseling
You and your partner may benefit from going to couples therapy to work through these issues together. Relationships are never easy, but you and your partner can move forward in a positive direction with time and effort.
Some Things Require Acceptance
Instead of judging your partner, remind yourself of all of the things you appreciate about them. Share a genuine interest in learning about why they see things the way they do or why they choose to do things differently than you. Be open to respecting what they have to say, and appreciate the uniqueness in both of you.
Of course, some things should never be tolerated in a relationship, like abuse or infidelity. These behaviors should be addressed directly with the help of a professional or by ending the relationship.
Making a Change
If you’ve decided that some aspects of your relationship can’t be lived with, then it may be time to end the relationship and make a change.
Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel them completely before you take action. Take time alone to reflect on the following questions: Why do I want to break up? What will it mean personally, socially, financially, and emotionally? Is this relationship making me more unhappy than happy?
Consider how others will feel. How does the breakup affect your family, friends, children, or co-workers? Is there anyone who might be hurt by this decision? Think about the way you want to break up with your partner and ask yourself if you are being fair. Discussing a breakup openly may help decrease tension or make it easier to make the final decision to go ahead.
LAST LOVE TIP
Starting a relationship with the intention to change your partner is wrong. It’s very important that you discuss your reservations openly. If you don’t communicate, it can lead to more problems along the line. You both have to be willing to express yourselves to make it work.
