Maybe God Made Me A Mistake – Lover’s Desk

               LOVERS DESK

Lovers desk is a weekly Lovelife.ng series that explores the relationship struggles and exploits of young Africans. It showcases the hidden love and hurt stories that are rarely shared or discussed, helping you see through their lens and draw lessons for your own love life.

                         ETHAN’S STORY

“When I was a young boy in Lagos, Nigeria, I had a mysterious, unexplainable tingling sensation whenever I saw an attractive guy. The stories I heard regarding romance involved a boy and girl. So I thought to myself: maybe I’m a girl deep down. That seemed like the only explanation for my attraction.

I kept thinking that may be God made a mistake. Perhaps I was meant to be a girl. I never had issues with my body. I wasn’t interested in getting rid of my penis or growing breasts. I just thought that in order to be with a boy I have to be a girl.

Gay people in Nigeria were invisible – constantly hiding. We never had TV series or movies with gay characters so I was confused. All I knew was that people discussed homosexuality with so much disgust.

At the age of nine or ten, depression kicked in as I realised my family would hate me if they learnt the truth. Even in school, I was bullied by classmates. My friends made fun of my femininity. I tried to blend in by playing sports but I was terrible. I had only one friend and he was feminine as well – but not gay. The two of us were frequently bullied, physically and emotionally. Most nights we contemplated suicide. We even talked about poisoning the guys who attacked us. It sounds crazy but picture yourself in a boarding house stuck in there day and night for months with boys relentlessly attacking you.

Here in Nigeria I haven’t met a single gay guy, at least not one that I know of. I have tried chatting to some men through Grindr but I fear someone might track me and arrest or kill me.

Although I’ve been chatting online with a guy for a year we’ve never met. He advised me that the best way to survive is to live a sexless life. There’s no one to trust and if you get HIV securing proper treatment is very rare. Yes, it’s that bad.

I have spent most of my life living in fear. I have very little freedom in Nigeria.

Life is dangerous. I saw a video at an online news site where two suspected gay men were being beaten to death with planks of wood; their blood splattered on the ground. I saw the crowd watching. Kids were among the onlookers. No one did anything to stop their murder.

Another video I watched this year shows a mob surrounding two naked men in a derelict building; forcing them to have sex as a way of degrading them. One naked man tugs the penis of the other on the orders of the vigilantes. The eyes of the naked men flicker through the crowd with fear. A member of the crowd punches the man whose penis is being tugged and shouts at him to become erect and penetrate the other man. Once erect, he enters him. One of onlookers asks, “Has it entered?” Everyone in the crowd is recording this moment on their phones.

My mother told me about a gay man who flirted with a male hairdresser at a salon. The hairdresser wasn’t gay and immediately took offence. He yelled and alerted a crowd of people who gathered around the gay man, hurling insults and assaulting him.

There was a time when newspapers published the names, addresses and photographs of some of the House of Rainbow Metropolitan Community Church members. It’s an LGBT-friendly church and several members were threatened and beaten.

I know about gay men being raped and the gang rape of a lesbian – all by straight men. This isn’t about sex or sexual orientation. It’s all about power, violence and malicious homophobic abuse.

Early this year, suspected gays in the northern part of Nigeria were reportedly caught and stoned to death. The consensus is that homosexuals deserve it, and that the country needs to be cleansed.”