Dating After Divorce

After a divorce, many are unsure about how to approach dating. There are many questions that individuals going through divorce ask.

QUESTIONS THEY ASK
Can you start dating while still going through the divorce, or is there a certain amount of time you should wait? How do you know you’re ready to move on?
We are going to do our best to answer these questions and offer other post-divorce dating do’s and don’ts.
When to start dating after divorce.
Like any aspect of romance, there is no recommendation that works for everyone. We’re all different. When you start dating again will largely depend on your circumstances and how you’re responding.
While there’s exact time window you can give for when exactly to date again after a divorce, future relationships tend to do better if you take some months or even as long as a year to really experience the loss of your marriage.
This is due to the time it takes to fully move on.
Is it OK to date while going through a divorce?
Dating while divorcing is not advisable. Although, it won’t kill you, there will be some confusing, unpleasant, and unforeseen emotional and psychological side effects.
While it may seem easy and relieving to find a new someone to take your mind off things, this can inhibit the growth necessary to work through your divorce in a healthy way.
If you’re feeling compelled to date while still going through divorce proceedings, it’s ultimately better to seek the support of trusted, nonromantic people in your life, like friends, family, or a therapist. It’s also important to know what’s motivating this desire. Are you looking for a boost? Friends with benefits? To have your faith in love reaffirmed? To distract yourself from pain?.
Rules for dating after divorce:
1. Identify where your marriage went wrong.
Before you even consider dating again, it’s important that you identify where the marriage went wrong. All relationships have a system that we are each 100% a part of and unless you understand what you did that contributed to the failure of the relationship, you will repeat the same behavior in the next.
2. Make time to grieve your losses.
Grief comes in many forms, and the loss of a relationship can be devastating. Give yourself as much time as you need to feel comfortable and open to love again. Also, be ready to handle your emotions when they arise unexpectedly with a new partner.
3. Make sure you’re ready.
Ask yourself the following questions to gauge the degree to which you’re ready to begin seeing new people:
Do I understand the underlying dynamics that led to the problems in my marriage and how I contributed to them?
Can I talk about these issues and dynamics objectively, seeing both my own and my ex’s perspective?
Can I talk about my divorce without a high degree of emotional reactivity but also without denying, dissociating, minimizing, blaming, etc.?
If you can honestly say yes to those questions, you may be ready to date.
4. Work on yourself.
As you begin to feel ready to date again, it’s still important to prioritize your own needs and growth.
Whether with someone else or just yourself, reflection about what you’ve been through, the divorce, and where you’re at now will help you gain clarity. Reflect with trusted, nonjudgmental friends, a coach or therapist.
5. Consider seeing a therapist or counselor.
A divorce is not a small matter, and if you feel you could use a hand, it’s so important to lean on your support system. You may benefit from seeing a licensed therapist, coach, or counselor. When emotions get overwhelming, or you’re wrestling with questions about what went wrong, being able to talk it out and gain some unbiased perspective is helpful.
6. Learn to value yourself.
As you begin meeting new people, and go on dates, you should be your own first priority. Learn to value yourself enough so that when you date, you are not coming from a fear of rejection. You need to be communicating with your date rather than worried about how your date feels about you. If you are not yet valuing yourself enough to do this, then it’s not time to date.
7. Watch out for people who want to take advantage of your vulnerability.
A lot of narcissists are available in the dating scene, and you might be vulnerable coming out of a divorce. Read about narcissism and be aware that they know exactly what to say that you’ve been longing to hear to pull you in. Many of my clients have been deeply hurt by a narcissist soon after a divorce.
8. Be honest about your past.
Once you have officially started dating again, it’s important to be honest with your new partners about where you’re coming from and where you’re at with it. Be ready to share a balanced view of your past relationship with the person or people you date.
9. Disclose your needs, fears, and boundaries.
Along with being honest about your past, it’s a good idea to be honest about your needs in the present. Try to disclose your fears and needs appropriately and honestly with the person or people you date. The immediate honesty will help avoid problems inevitably rising if you try to avoid the issues.
10. Get clear on what your standards are.
Not to be confused with your “type,” get clear on what your deal-breakers, emotional triggers, and standards are. Knowing what you know now from your past marriage, what is it you’ll do differently now? What won’t you stand for? And most importantly, are you willing and able to stand up for those standards?
11. Be patient.
Some people are able to jump right into new relationships after a divorce, while others will take a long while before they’re able to feel emotions that strong again.
Lust and passion can feel intoxicating, but real connections take time. Don’t feel discouraged if it takes a good handful of dates to start feeling spark and attraction toward a new romantic interest in your life.
12. Trust your gut.
Get used to tuning into the way a person makes you feel when you’re around them. Do they say things that seem like red flags? Do they honor your boundaries, big or little? Don’t gaslight yourself; if your gut is telling you something about a date, it’s probably right.
13. Be open to new possibilities.
And lastly, remain open to all the possibilities dating can bring. Maybe that means dating outside your “type” for the first time. Real connection can find you in surprising places.
LAST LOVE TIP
After reading this, you might be wondering if it’s even worth it? Can you still find true love after divorce? The answer is yes. However, it’s going to take a lot of work like any other relationship, maybe even more work.
Although, dating after divorce isn’t something to take lightly, there is definitely love after.