TOLANI’S TALES: WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE LOVE BUT IT IS NOT: MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE

By Adebisi Olatunji-Legend

TOLANI’S TALES: WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE LOVE BUT IT IS NOT: MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE

It was the first time in a long time I was getting a gift from a guy. Actually the second time ever. I had been in three relationships and only one, the first one ever gave me a gift; it was at valentine a cute small teddy, a flower and the most romantic poem I had ever read in my life. Then that morning when Francis walked into the store where I worked carrying this gift bag. In it was a pretty silver wristwatch, a necklace and a note that said “Tolani, Please let’s meet and talk after work today.” I replied with a text “see you then”

I was happy, flattered, and suddenly felt confident. So I deserve a gift. I mean, so a guy can actually buy me a gift. I had always thought I wasn’t just like the other girls who got from their boyfriends. Maybe I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough. I acted like I didn’t mind this in my last two relationships because I didn’t want to seem like I was materialistic. And since these guys loved me and I loved them, it was okay. But there I was, receiving a gift, not one but two at once.

If Francis could do this, then my dream of getting a Christmas present that year could very well come through him. I may not even have to ask, because I really don’t like asking so they don’t say I’m “demanding”, but at least I knew Francis was that guy who could buy me gifts. I immediately started thinking of what I would like and what I would also get him. It was November, Christmas wasn’t that far away.

After hanging out that evening, Francis and I began dating. Funny though, Francis had been trying to get my attention for a long time but I was too heart-broken to give him any. But the gift bag did the magic and I started seeing him almost every day after work.

Christmas came, but there was no Christmas present. In fact, there was no Francis. I ended it barely a month after the relationship started. Francis and I got very close, and I gave myself to having sex with him without inhibitions. My first experience with sex was very unpleasant, and I carried the guilt and feeling of being cheated.  It was different with Francis however, he showed that he cared and always brought something for me every time we met. I broke up with him because I found out he was into internet fraud and he smoked weed.

That time was more than 10 years ago, but I look back and see how deprived of true love I was. I see that the only reason I started dating Francis was because he spoke a language that I understood as love. Not that gift is one of my love languages but the fact that at that time, it meant to me that someone cared for me beyond just saying it. I see how this young teenager was confused about love, her value and self-worth. She didn’t know that her self-worth was not tied to anything money could buy.

Most resoundingly, I see how this girl so badly wanted to feel loved; by a man. It tells me how every woman was wired to want love from a man; the way Eve was instantly loved by Adam when he saw her. I see how every girl needs a father’s love – shown, expressed and assured. I see how the vulnerability of innocence can make a young growing girl attach material things, physical contact and mere words to her self-esteem.

I realise that if we don’t teach our daughters how to love, value and respect themselves, soon they’d begin the fruitless search of love in the arms of boys, guys and men.

Above all, I see how every girl must from a very early age, be taught about God’s everlasting love for his children, and what a special soft spot he has for the woman. This love was all it took to save me and groom me into the woman I am becoming.