First of all, I’d like to state that we are in no way encouraging conflict or arguments in front of children. However, there are some rare cases or occurrences where you are allowed to argue as long as it is done respectfully and it can also teach the children a couple of things about how to address differing opinions with others.
So, yes, it is okay to argue in front of kids some of the time b the kind of argument you’re having and how you communicate your thoughts and feelings makes a BIG difference. You can’t argue frequently or argue aggressively or use techniques like stonewalling, silent treatment, or insults because these are definitely harmful to children. Exposing the kids to these will often lead them to become depressed, sad, anxious, and angry which causes bad focus, poor school performance, and sleep disturbances. When they become adults, these kids may become unable to manage conflicts themselves or form healthy adult relationships.
Children learn a lot of things by observing how adults do them, same things work with conflict. If children learn how to feel heard, have the opportunity to feel, understand both sides, and come to a compromise that both parties accept, they would have gotten a good model of managing conflict.
FEELING ALL OUR FEELINGS
Most emotions last a total of 90 seconds. If you allow yourself to feel all of them, they will move through you so that you can be more present and rational. To do this, you first have to locate the sensations in your body that are associated with a core emotion. Once you identify where it exists in the body and how it feels, you can acknowledge and breathe through it. To release, you often need to match the feeling to a sound. This isn’t expressed in words, but it might be a grunt or a scream, for example. When the feelings are matched to the sound, you can release them versus repressing or recycling them. When you feel things fully, you can then be more present to look at a situation and a set of facts through a lens that isn’t clouded with emotion.
LISTENING AND FEELING HEARD
One of the biggest challenges in approaching conflict with an individual or group is simply listening. When you give each person the opportunity to share their story and feelings, both parties will be more open to collaborating. One way to make sure that each party feels heard is by listening and then summarizing or paraphrasing what the other party shared with you.
EMPATHY AND PERSPECTIVE-TAKING
Just acknowledging another person’s feelings or experiences with empathy can provide insight and perspective and at the same time create connection. You cannot move through conflict together without connection. Listening deeply and visualizing the other party’s experience will allow the person sharing to feel greater calm and connection. When you feel calm and connected, you have greater access to the prefrontal cortex of your brain, which allows you to think more rationally and creatively. Empathy can take the form of one simple statement such as, “You sound frustrated that…” The more you practice using empathy daily, the greater access to it you will have when you need it during conflict.
COMPROMISE
Ultimately, both parties need to come to the table willing to brainstorm. When they brainstorm solutions together, each person is more likely to accept the final decision in moving forward. Again, productive brainstorming can only happen when both people are calm and present. During the collaboration, children witness not only the process but more importantly that the parental relationship and connection are still intact.
IN CONCLUSION
Conflict comes in many different forms, and depending on how it is manages it can either train a child well in how to handle conflict or harm his understanding of conflict. I hope that you’ve understood how to respectfully argue in front of your children. Love and light, Wonder.
